I wish you would have just asked me for some fucking pussy.

I really wish you would have just asked me for sex.

But isn’t it just sooooo like you, not too.

You fucking pure ass angelic son of a bitch.

Now sex, I could have given you… Something sloppy, to finish in my mouth, to live out one of those, a too little rough for me but I know you like it fantasiesbut you didn’t.

Him: Besides a place to live, what else do you want or need for Valentine’s day

Me: I want/need time with you and the freedom to explore whatever that leads too, you?

Him: Yea, I don’t want anything or need anything, but love.

Why couldn’t you just want some head?

I started to ask you what the fuck, that means? And were you only saying that because you don’t think I got it to give you what you really want?

*starts text* … if money, time, resources or anything like that, weren’t a thing, what would that be? What would that look like?

*erases text* … I can’t ask you that, it’s been damn near five fucking years.I should know what you want and know what you need.

Why don’t I know this…

Every gift I’ve ever bought you, you’ve never liked or used… and I am not a bad gift giver, I just don’t know you.

Why don’t I know you?

…. now just hol’ on, wait, Miriam… are you doing that thing where you don’t believe you are worthy of good things, and push them away? Is this the self sabotage?!?!

It might be.

It doesn’t feel like that tho…

You asked for love.

I don’t know how to give that to you because I have been so busy trying to get my needs and wants met.

I’ve been using you.

Draining you.

Dear god, not on purpose…I just didn’t know….

There I was, taking from you all in effort to figure out what it means live a life where my needs and wants are taken care of.

To learn to be the one to take care of me.

I’ve been reliving traumas with you, fulfilling childhood feelings and fantasies with you.

Loop after loop, cycles after fucking cycle.

Lord of mercy… lawd have mercy, and now my baby is just asking me for love.

and here I am about to put on my track shoes and do the dash because honestly…I don’t know if I can give that to you.

Me: *doesn’t respond for text so long that you send something else, about something non related*

I’m sorry.

I’m scared to even try.

I’m so so sorry.

I see myself so clearly, how I’ve been to you, I’m afraid to keep doing that… taking and not giving. Making my love ask of you.

I’m the toxic narcissist that they write all the stupid fucking articles about.

Hi, I’m Miriam. I’m a love-bombing, emotionally unavailable narcissist.

I was.

I WAS.

I’m afraid that now that I know how to give myself what I want and need, I’m going to have to go after that.

I’m going to need to satisfy me, and I am insatiable. It’s like I had been starving in a house full of food, for decades, only to finally fucking realize…

I knew how to cook all along.

And here you are, sitting there at the table smiling, just happy I realized and thinking I’m about to share what I learned to cook but goddamit, what if it’s terrible… what if you don’t like it…

Should I even try.

I feel this primal need to take care of all the things I never knew I needed but do now. This burning urgency and desire to to discover how to satisfy these wants…

And… I don’t want you to be the well I draw from…

I also don’t know if I can discover your wants, and explore your needs without neglecting my own. I am unwilling to go hungry ever again…

But, maybe I don’t need to discover them, maybe you know them so well that you could just tell me and show me, but… do I trust that I’ll even be paying enough attention to notice?

You do not deserve my neglect. You never did.

You have been good to me.

I think that is what hurts, and sucks …outside of the fact that I’ll be pretty fucking pissed to see another bitch get what I got… but the fact that all the while I’ve been thinking myself to unworthy, too underserving, to unlovable to be loved and you’ve been doing it all along. You are still here.

I want to keep all of that.

Would be selfish and greedy?

You do not deserve that.

I want to be able to give you a love that can serve you. A love that ask nothing from you, and takes even less…

I am that person. I accept that she is me, I am as capable as I am willing as you are forgiving and patient.

*puts on apron* I’m bout to make you a meal, and this one is all me… All of me. Selfless and sure.

But damn dawg… why couldn’t you have just asked me for some fucking pussy?


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